im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
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He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize