My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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