textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
