I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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