I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
