sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
