I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
