wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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