I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude i'm inner monologue high
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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