so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
