You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
