She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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