I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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