In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He shit in the fireplace
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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