when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
