You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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