Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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