My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
