direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
