Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
