mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
