That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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