Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
