Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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