At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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