My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
