All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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