Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
