You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
