Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
