apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
