he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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