please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
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I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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