I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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