I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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