The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is wine microwaveable?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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