I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
