the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
