just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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