so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
