I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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