I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
