I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
