I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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