Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
