if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
