he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
