I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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