im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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