this beer tastes like vomit already
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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