Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
