I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
