Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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