Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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