I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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