I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
