i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
