I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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