the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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