I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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