dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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