apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
there's paper in my vomit.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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